One of my earliest memories is a terrifying one, I was alone with my mother at KHI airport and she was 8 months pregnant (she was trying to sneak on board :p) and suddenly she started screaming 😐 I was petrified! I really believed my mum would die ( this was confirmed by the ambulance medic, I’m sure he was joking but I believed him), then I fast forward to a hospital and a scrawny little sister. I was left alone for almost 7 hours on a bench outside the ward. I was actually proud of my 3 years old self :p
I think that was my first exposure to sheer terror, I don’t think I comprehended what death was but I knew I was alone as my family was in dxb. For many many days afterwards, I recall never leaving my mother’s side for fear that she would disappear.
Earlier today, I was exploring some of my earliest memories, the seed of emotions to come and programs installed. Fear has been a constant in my life, to the extent that I have labelled myself as a coward on many occasions and obviously tried to over compensate by acting brave. One of my greatest fears was that of being alone or abandoned and not belonging. I went to some extreme measures to cover that one up but I have finally learnt to accept it. I surprised myself by taking some courageous steps recently that would have made me cringe a year ago. Acceptance truly is wonderful.
In Thomas Campell’s My Big t.o.e, he mentions that love is the opposite of fear. When one loves oneself fear is merely an illusion. Another interpretation that comes to mind is that fear is the MISinterpretation of facts, when we attach our own meaning to some events they usually take on a fearful image. A few days ago, I was jotting down some thoughts when I had an amazing idea but the thought following it was one of fear, that I would not be able to apply it properly so why even bother? I caught fear red handed trying to cheat me out of my brilliant ideas :p
I guess awareness of fear really does strip the illusion away. I’ve spent 23 years of my life fearing things that never happened! And the few that did happen weren’t as bad as my wild imagination made me believe. Loving the fearful bits of me has proven effective, I have made a game out of it! Observing myself whenever I fall in that pit and sort of detaching and witnessing the facts without the cloud of my misjudgment.
Deepak Chopra mentions some of the physiological effects of fear, truly mind boggling. The seat of fear is the liver (or was it the kidney? I forgot :p) and the solar plexus is severely effected as well. I now notice what my body goes through when I’m afraid, it’s a very real and spooky physical experience. Transcendental meditation has helped my relieve some of the symptoms of fear though, I still recall the first time I practiced it last January, it showed me hidden parts of me that were unimaginable.
Here’s to accepting fear and living in the peace of loving yourself.